Dear Fellow Lunatics in UCU
(Apologies if you’re not a lunatic – I may as well email this query to all the Union’s mailinglists, given that it turns out our Union is absolutely riddled with lunatics.)
Does anyone know what the Union’s accommodation arrangements are for lunatics at UCU National Congress in Brighton this May? Will there be arrangements made for us to be securely housed in a Brighton asylum, or will the Union arrange for us to be put in individual padded cells within our own Regional Delegations’ hotels?
Do we need to bring our own straightjackets? Or will they be included in our delegate packs?
I’m just wondering, ‘cos I’ve been elected the National Congress delegate for my branch (I know! I TOLD them I was a lunatic and therefore not fit to hold elected office but they WOULDN’T listen!) and I’ve just been filling in the Delegate Registration Form.
I got a bit unstuck in the section asking whether I needed any special requirements in relation to the hotel… I realised that there are some obvious difficulties that arise.
So I gave a rather lengthy explanation in the little box, which I reproduce below. So I’m just wondering if the Union’s made any special arrangements for where it wants us lunatics (other than a police cell?)
What I wrote in the Delegate Registration Form box thingy:
Please could I be put in the same hotel as the Leeds University delegation, and NOT with the Wales Region delegation.
My comrades in UCU Wales would find it most distressing to have to share a hotel with me: as an unfortunate unavoidable consequence of having a mental health condition, I am an unhinged lunatic prone to physical violence and am a serious fire hazard.
My comrades in UCU Wales therefore had to be complicit in PCS setting the police on me a while back. This no doubt caused them immense distress, and I am therefore keen to avoid putting them in a position, by imposing my presence upon them, of them having to experience the distress of having to set the police on a fellow trade unionist again.
So it would be better all round if I were to not impose my combustible self upon my Wales comrades. (And, more to the point, I would have a better chance of sleeping through the night without having the police set on me).
Fortunately the Leeds lot are somewhat less medieval in their views on mental health, and are quite welcoming toward lunatics.
Or perhaps they’re just equipped with better fire extinguishers.
Or possibly they’re of the view that, however great my risk of physical violence may be as a self-evident consequence of having a mental health condition, they are not (unlike our strong, manly UCU and PCS comrades in Wales) particularly concerned about the physical-violence threat posed by a short, fat, forty-ish woman who has the physique of a person who’s spent a lifetime in academia and whose most strenuous sporting activity is a daily game of sudoku.
Oh, and, for the same reasons as given above, it would probably also be best to not put me in the same hotel as the General Secretary.